Cazeclozed

Oo...! This is pretty cool... Dee updated the net... Anyway, I'm kinda glad I got it back now... Was missing it so much... Hmm, come to think of it, all the shit I've been going though it's pretty sticky and stupid it makes it funny... Lolz, the moment I get myself out of one, I'll land back in another... Sigh, I'm soo good at getting myself into trouble... Hmm, It's an inborn thing perhaps... Haha, should seriously run away from it all... *sprawls ova bed* Can sombodi pass me the gun?! Loaded please...

It's so stupid, I'm so stupid! Thank goodness this blog is pretty private...! This is not right...! All guys are jerks... They should be... Oh God, I'm terrified... Of too many things! Everything is going on so fine, everyone is happy, except me... It's so wrong! I keep wishin for some miracle to happen, for that jerk to whisk me away into his embrace… Why aren’t I satisfied with some popular dude who gives me everything I want and totally adore me?! I’m just drivin myself insane thinking of some fairytale love that’s probably never meant to be… And getting myself hurt again… I want it so bad it hurts, and yet, I’m so afraid of what the future might hold…
Oh sweet Jesus, I’m so afraid to loose him but I can’t hold on to him as well in fear of hurtin him… Please, I need a miracle soon…

Help… Too many things happening so fast at one time… My head is swarming with questions, situations and reasons… It ain’t helping, it’s just makin my head spin…

Remedy (I won’t worry) – Jason Mraz

I saw fireworks from the freeway and behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away
Cause you were born on the fourth of july, freedom ring
now something on the surface it stings
that something on the surface it kind of makes me nervous who says that you deserve this
and what kind of god would serve this? We will cure this dirty old disease
if you've got the poison I've got the remedy

the remedy is the experience. It is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that its serious. Which is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how youre gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I wont worry my life away.
I wont worry my life away.

I heard two men talking on the radio in a cross fire kind of new reality show
Uncovering the ways to plan the next big attack
they were counting down the days to stab the brother in the be right back after this
the unavoidable kiss, where the minty fresh death breath is sure to outlast his catastrophy
dance with me, because if you've got the poison, I've got the remedy

the remedy is the experience. It is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that its serious. Which is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how youre gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I wont worry my life away.
I wont worry my life away.

When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why
Because

the remedy is the experience. It is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that its serious. Which is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I wont worry my life away.
I wont worry my life away.
I wont and I wont and I wont [etc.]

In the morn, shockers beyond shockers… Ken messaged me… Being a bastard as usual, so I kinda shooed him away… Was really irritating… Kj’s bdae was ytd, on the 18, cool and silly guy… Will give it to him on the 27th, Christmas and Bdae in one go… Went for mass at OLPS with Zach, and I realise Drew was avoiding my eye… I don’t blame him… Went for lunch, spent time at his house and finally, got my guitar back… He changed the strings for me… Will be busy the up comin week, have a lot of stuff ta do as well… And a lot of things I shall be missing as well… Haix…

Sigh… I havta let it out… I’m feelin too weird… Too confused… I feel fear, coz I sense pain… I just can’t make out what it is… Oh God, this is so unlike me… What’s happening to all my mindful and focused thoughts? Why is this turning so much, it’s much more then I had expected, much more treacherous… Someone please…! I beg you, show me the light… Take me under your wings and shield me from the cold and harshness of this world… I keep facing the same thing over and over again; my heart is weary and pained… I would just like a heartfelt warm embrace for a moment… Just to realise I’m not alone, to realise that there’s someone I can fall on for always… But what I realise long ago that those are just dreams… And not all dreams come true… Haven’t gotta clue how much longer I can take all these… Hmm… Well, it seems I have to face the torture alone as well… Whateva it is… Let your will be done unto me, my Lord…

Today was pretty alright... Woke up at about 1pm coz i was up till 5 in the morn with one of my little idiot... Had fun but I still need to pretend I slept so I turned in anyway... Mum smsed me before she reached the border and told us she could pick Sam and me up... She was originally not coming... Had dinner with Mum, Uncle CM, Uncle Koh, Pang, Qiang, Justin, Sam and Mum's older bro... Lolz, Uncle Koh was so funny... At the restaurant in Lion City Hotel, they, mixed up the tags for the soup on the buffet table... So Uncle Koh took the one, which read Watercress and Chicken soup... It was suppose to be the Chinese soup that was colourless with ingredients... He scooped what looks liked cambel soup and went back to the table to finish it... A moment later I returned to the table as well with the exact same soup... I didn't notice they mixed the tags but I opened each lid and check the soup anyway... So awhile after I took a few spoons, Unc Cm asked if the clam chowder was nice... I replied not bad, just a little diluted... Then Unc Koh, being his usual self argued that it was chicken with watercress and that it was quite good... Lolz, Unc Cm then proceed to show Unc Koh his soup which was the watercress one... then Unc Koh got a shock... He hated clam chowder...! Lolz, he finsished it anyway and proceed to take the watercress soup... Then he was arguing with Unc CM again about mind over matter and how he got conned to drink the blardi soup... Haha, he kept sayin it taste like chicken!

After that we in the car, drivin back to Mum's house, when they were in some heated convo all over again... Unc Koh couldnt believe it was so expensive, so he was calculating the whole buffet cost... My step dad decided to help so he was like, it's about $13 per head but lets bring it down to $10, easier to calculate... So, eight heads make $80 and plus gst, 10% plus $8, service charge, 5% plus $4, so total already $92... Then Unc Koh say no...! Then he started counting with the $13 per head and gave p somewhere between trying to calculate the percentages... Lolz... Then he used the figures Unc CM used, was like… “ 10% of $80 is $8, 5% of $80 is $4, so total is $12… Plus the original $80 ”… Unc CM then asked what’s the total… “ $92 ”… Then he retorted back, “ Isn’t that what I told you?!”… The whole car burst into laughter! Unc Koh then did the shaking head action… Uncle CM was sayin the clamp chowder seriously got to his head man! Lolz…!

Watched Alexander and Collateral till real 2am on Sun…

Yuppers… Zach’s back… Was waiting for him all night/morning… Thank goodness I got pals to stay with me… He finally called at 2am… After he reached home and unpacks his stuff…I’ma gonna miss some little idiots… Well, ok… Not so little but fat idiots! Lolz… Spend yesterday out gallivanting, watched after the sunset, was cool… Had a great time as well! Had to push my other dates back coz Dhan wanted to see me badly… Lolz, Lex was furious, coz Lex booked me first a few days before… So I switched it to tomorrow and Pepper, hopefully on Monday… *Grinz!*

Spend most of our time over at his house today, did some weird things, which caused me to start thinking of a lot of things… Not good, realise a number of things… Guess it’s both good and bad, but mainly, it’s just bad in the end… Sigh, guess I’m too reckless in decision making… I know my consequences and I know its extremes, why then, did I so frighteningly plunge into a path, which is so dangerous and filled with uncertainty? Why couldn’t I take the safe route like what most people would usually do? As usual, I’m back to where I started, confuse, scared and utterly alone… Can I expect someone I can really fall on this time?! I pray so…

*Grinz!* I had fun for the past few days… Yea, had my downs as well, but mainly enjoyed myself…! Thanks to some people, lolz, I filled my spare time with something worthwhile… I think… Haha, watched plenty of movies too! Nvr thought I’d spend one of the things I wanted to do most with those two idiots! But hell, it couldn’t have been more fun! Never been to so many places at once as well… Today was just crazy…! And I loved it… Lolz, should try dying more often…! I hope I’ll get to do such stuff again… Especially with such people… Well, lolz, I can never be too sure about anything…!

I don't know... Sometimes, I think it's true not to have love at all... Some say it's better to have loved than not at all, but maybe, it won't be that way if the person never felt and longed for it... There are consequences of love, some which could be life sacrificing and some, which can lead to agonizing desire… Ofcoz, there’s the one pure and true love of the big guy above, but then again, didn’t he face the consequences?! Alright, so maybe love could bring lots of happiness… But there are sides of love that are not portrayed so much… I don’t know… But usually, they call it different names… Like jealously, hate, deceit or much more… Don’t they kinda all involve… love?! Like loving someone else’s property might lead to jealously? Or loving your poor family so much it leads you to cheat to earn a living to raise them? Seriously, love is questionable, and as for me, I have faced so many in which I can’t even begin to start counting… It has hurt me eva so often and painful of what I have to keep facing for love, to keep standing firm and to watch things I love juz crumble down right in front of me and not being able to do a single thing… I keep telling myself to do something, to change things, but I always stand helpless at the feet of doom juz watching things that matter to me tear apart… Theoretically, I shouldn’t be hurt at all, because I’m not the victim, I’m not the one in trouble… But the problem is that I have love for these things, which are going through tough times… And that, affects me… All because I love…

Sometimes I know it’s better to not interfere, but somehow, I’ve always get the knack of being involve in it… Haven’t gotta blardi clue why… I wana run away from it all, juz to hide under an angel’s wing and take refuge in it… But it doesn’t help much as the problem still persists… Some people say forgive and forget… Sure, I can do that, but how do can I be expected to keep doing that if the thing keeps popping up every once in a while… It’s not only very depressing, but very tiring as well… I always have to play the good guy, keep it under control and make sure I don’t hurt anyone… But hey, I’m human! I need ta lash out sometimes! But, I’m so use to bottling everything up I rarely blow up… So it all juz keep settling in and push it way back into the forgive and forget section… That’s why I never remembered much of my childhood… Coz I’ve always been constantly trying to forget it and I only remember a few vivid ones that somehow, doesn’t wana go away… I love people, juz because they have a heart no matter who they are… Though I’m usually very soft, I know my fiery can go a lot further… Hurting is not my very strong point, but hey, I’ve still got it when I need it… And it’s as sharp as eva…

Zmus and Ster just called… It was fun talking to them again… You know, finally someone sane…! Lolz… Mum offered me a job of tutoring Just, doubt I can make it… Justin will prolly bully be straight out… And I need to borrow the guitar from Uncle… Since mine’s with Zach, who’s away now… hmm, I hope I do not over plan myself… Gonna use up my time doing worthless things I say… Oh yea, I’m expected to attend Ron’s party, so I guess I shall, but I can’t exactly stand her at all… And I’m sure Zach will be happy if I do go… I was gawking at her when she told me she dyed her hair brown… But there was no diff at all, she said even my natural hair is way brown than hers… I wanted to snicker… Ah wellz, she prolly spend her days doing nothing productive as well, since that’s what she does best… Say wana find job, do charity and such but end up sitting at home to rot, trying to loose fat by not eating, she beta have patience for a few centuries sia… Or, she can just carry dreaming on, coz this aint the first time she tried… And she looks alright what! Just a little big size, but pretty… Sigh, some people just can’t appreciate anything… especially her, who takes advantage of all her friends and take her stupid boyfriends for granted…! As if having sex will make them stay… Dream on fool!

I wana get that red top in Parkway, I think it looks sweet… Something I’ll love… Hope I have the cash for it then… And I have no idea what to get for Zach, stupid idiot! Muz think so hard for him! Lolz… Oh great, I have to redo my Christmas list again! Should think of something fast soon, I’m running out of time…

Hmm… Lotsa stuff have been going on I guess… Went out with Dawn and Laur, or at least I tired to, was hit with nausea and a great feeling of puking… I wanted to juz curl up in a ball and sleep… So I got off the train at Eunos with Dawn and Laur at my tais and just sat outside the Mrt station… After a trail in the ladies, I gave up and gave in to them telling me to go walk and find something to eat or drink… So I dad, the first coffeeshop where Uncle Lawrence, one of my saloons, worked… And I decided to call Mum after a while and told her I need a ride home, since she lived in Eunos. Thank God she was home and not working! So she came and brought me back to her place, and after I put some axe oil on my tummy… I went to indulge myself in movies that she and uncle bought… I watched “Not another teen movie” and “saved”. They were pretty crappy, sick, corny shows which makes it stupid but hilarious, and I think that totally cured me…

Fattie Wonkie called, which is good, coz I haven’t heard from her for a long time… And so did Zach from Canada… He’s so cool, contacting me wheneva he can… I missed my doglet too, that’s for sure… And I got souvenirs when I went to see Jerry… See, he was kinda excited about a female entering the house that he scratched me bad when he kept hugging me… And it was all coz Nick didn’t cut his nails! Was cute when someone called me silly for being abused by a dog, lolz… Dad was screaming at me for being in mum’s house yesterday… Coz I went out with her to c heck out some stuff… And what’s up with that man! She’s my mother! Yes, she might have done lotsa stuff when before, but nothing was intended to hurt me! Plus, I know I’m daddy’s responsibility if mummy does something wrong again, but ain’t I his responsibility when anything else goes wrong too?! Mummy’s not the bad guy, and even if she is, she’s my mother, and blood is thicker than water…

I was clinging on to my father but reaching out to my mother as well… My face was hot and flushed, as I couldn’t stop wailing for her… For them, to be together… I know something was really wrong, she was leaving again! They dragged the wailing me into my grandmother’s place, just next door, and told me to stay in there… But before my dad could carry me through the door, I was screaming and kicking so hard my dad shouted for me to shut up! I didn’t know what the hell was going on, except my head hurt so bad, it wanted to split, and the harder I struggled to reach my mum the harsher my dad held me in his arms…! My heart was aching so bad I couldn’t think straight, but I couldn’t think much anyway because I was about three or four of age… All I wanted is to hold them both again, and my head was spinning with the thought of what will become of me and Sam, will the nightmare never end, and will I ever get to see her again… And I have been trying to wipe this memory out of my mind, like I did the others, but this has always remained vivid in my mind… Although I couldn’t remember much of the actions and responses, the emotions still rage in me wheneva I bring it to mind…

And I think I’m gonna write the Saturday entry that I missed quite some time ago, it’ll be better if I state it in to portray my feelings more completely…