Cazeclozed

Dont wana think about anything,
don't wana feel sad...
Juz wana think about the good times,
the ones that left me glad...
I wish I didnt had to bother,
wish I never had it bad...
Issit too much to ask,
for someone to make me... Smile...

Me no like being confuse... And half the time, I am...! Maybe thats becoz I'm too frickle, but I always try to understand... I shouldn't bother about all these now, Exams are commin ahead and I'm still way behind... No, I'm not gonna waver, I'm not gonna give in... I know my price to pay, and I know my risks to take... I'll just let things take its turn, and I'll see how I'll fair... I'm so thankful to still have people I love and adore, and people who'll be there for me... I know I'll always have support and I'll always have my dreams...

I can't change the way I am just becoz I am not what you want... But I can promise to do the best I can, to give you happiness you long to live in... I am who I am, and if you can't accept me for who I am... Too bad, it's your loss, not mine...

Jee... Dono what to write... I know! Out of my 16 years of life, I juz realise I have a double dimple on my left cheek! Too bad I still have none on my right! Darn... what's wrong with me?! Lolz... Ah wellz, I think it's interesting! Yea, yea, it's just me aint it?! Hehe...

Exams is nex week and I'm so screwed! Sigh... someone prepare my grave!

Hey, I can't believe Ms Tanaballa called me a fool!!! Lolz... Least she didn't say anything else! Dat Engrish cher is a bitch! But she's real cool when she's not teaching...! Bought us Ex-co members, Mac breakfast coz she was hungry! We each had our own hotcakes! Wheehehe...! And yea, she favours students! I'm on her good side I think... Sigh... She is just weird... Most chers are! I wonder how is Mrs Stevenson gonna reply me letter... Was so sweet, she wrote me a personal letter sayin she missed moi and was wondering how I was doing... So, I mean is only polite that I write back so I did... Though it was ages after she passed me hers...! Haha... Other then that, I still dislike chers lots! I mean as frens they are alright, but as chers, they suddenly all turn alienated! So, I onli like some chers as frens, anything else, I think I'm still trying ta not dilike it...

Some people are just utterly sweet! Aaron was listening to some song his fren wrote, and no, not Nick Ezach, some other fren, and he thought of moi... So he took the lyrics and send it to me! Cool eh?! Hehe... I have no idea how he manage to get my pic, but he has one in his wallet with him... How on earth did his comp whiz fren stole it from my display pic?! Spend most of the day with Dhan... Anyway... I'm missin a certain little furball... Wonder where it disappeared to...! Hope I can finish my stuff in time...

*Private- this entry is for my eyes only!* If you are my friend, which you probably are cuz I’ve given you the add to this blog, you’ll not read this entry any further...

No no no...! I dont noe! I'm not supposed to be feeling this way! Well, I knew I would, but not this strong! Why is the forbidden fruit always sweeter! I can’t help myself; it’s almost against my will! I’m hooked, and I love Zachie dearly but I can’t help myself from fallin for the little ass further… I want him so bad I’m scared to get any closer… I can love him from where I am, but I have no clue if the feelings will return… He seems like what pepper said, my dream, but sometimes, dreams are make belief, they don’t always come true… I mean c’mon, that fella is smart, cute character, and utterly silly, which makes me go helpless! And I hate that, becuz I like it so much! He stays with me whenever he can to keep me company till however late it gets and cheers me up every single time, which amazes me. But a guy like this for me seems almost impossible, I’m no match for this darlin, he’s almost too good to be true… He has the capabilities in flirting and someday, he might find someone so cute and smart, I will be but a speck in his memory… He has the hopes of going very far, and I can’t bear to see myself getting in his way… Oh God forbid, I seriously love that thing, and I feel so bad for loving it soo much! I’m not suppose to…

Zachie is wonderful… He’s really gentlemanly and all… He pays for everything wheneva we go out, and I have yet to return his generousity… Yea, so what if he’s Indian, and what if he is he total opposite of me, he’s a great guy… He plays the guitar, in a band, really good looking, is a member of the youth flying club, a lifeguard, a black-belt karate kid, a catholic, really good in the Arts like English, Geog, he’s good with his hands, has a lot of frens, really popular guy… I don’t know what else not to like… Yet, I’m not totally satisfied with him… Why?! I love that guy, he treats me well, but sometimes our ideology clashes… sometimes, he forgets that loving me is not just treating me great, but also to respect the way I feel and think at times… sometimes, I feel he doesn’t care about what I think, and that what he thinks, is the only thing that matters to him… Sometimes, I wish he showed more concern rather than just love… Well, I guess no one is perfect and I have grown to love him anyway… And I’ll feel heartbroken if I eva hurt him, though I know it’ll be tough for me when my heart is so soft now…

I’m in a mixed up situation right now… My very own, not someone elses which I’m usually takin on… I’m growing to love them more and more each day, and I have no idea if it is good or bad as I’m taking so much risk! What I want in a guy is firstly affection and secondly a great character and thirdly, someone who has brains to just have intelligent conversations with… I don’t totally care about looks, material or what he does or can do… It’s not like I don’t care, but those are just bonuses… I just want a guy for who he is… I remember talking to Aaron, although a lot of people thinks he might just be playing supermodel, I think he truly is… He’s sincere and he shows concern… He tried to woo me with materials he have, with his looks, but as I thought he could be some con, I didn’t bother much with it at all… Which surprised him as the gals he went out with wanted him for his name and materials… He told me I was the only gal whom ever praised him without any reason of wanting anything back… And the fella just went berserk for me! Which I’m still wondering how as I told him I’m attached, 16, and totally out of his reach! And I’m surprised at his comment as I’m sure, that there are gals out there, which are just as sweet if not sweeter than I am… I’m sure some people have a heart too…!

Dear Jae, pray with me… Help me to make right judgements and make wise decisions to live a life I will be proud of… I know my human instincts take over at times but do not doubt my intentions and will… I will try as hard to live in a prayer for you, to worship you and to be your instrument at work… All I ask is for you to always be with me no matter what I do, to protect me, and be my comfort… My O’s are comin up and I am truly scared… I’ll do my bez and let you do the rest… Whateva it is, let your will be done, in heaven as it is on earth…

Bored bored bored bordie bored... Humpie... Sticth is so cute...!!! Wise man says... Onli fools can love... But I can't help fallin in love, with you... Yea... I like that song! Hahaz, I'm offically bored!

Aaron send me a mail... there you go Chillie spice! See, I don't have to send him one for him to send me one! And yea, he was hell sweet as usual... And i'm sorry gal, Nick is kinda hangin with this gal now... I'm not sure if it's just a fling but still... It's not my prob! Lolz... I vote for Aaron! Yea yea... dun worry about me gal! It's just all fun... And I dont like like that fella la, he's just some supermodel fairytale... I'm stickin with Zach... And this other utterly cute adorable fat furball!!! I guess you know who gal... Well, dun drive yourself mad over Ron... Or worse still, dupid Peh! Loolz... Some fantasies are beta left alone, Rmb, u still got tt thailand guy, wads his name? Copperwire? Oh rite, I rmb now David rite?! Lolz... Ok, dun kill me...!! Wen you see me oline, ask me to send you the mail!

Had my Bio Phy Prac today... And man, I could have done beta...! I stupidly forgot to bring my calculator into the lab! But thank the good Lord above the physics was not so tough that I couldnt do simaple mental calculations! And thank got my tomato and my drawing was well proportioned, my magnification was easy to determine...! That was so lucky sia...!

But, I had to write TS instead of LS, and i got my green and orange ppt results mixed up! damn, 3 marks, 1 mark, 2 marks for physics down... Jeez, wads wrong with me...! Still, I love the big guy for giving me a doable experiment!!! Biggie guy, I luvie you! Wheehehe!

Hehe... Headed to Lau's house after lock in, and we bought cup noodles and cambel soup each... And yea, I dun dare go anywhere near the hot water or the pot so laur kinda did the soup thing for me... And Dan did the adding of hot water for me noodles... And ofcoz I did smth, I was the one who added the seasoning into the noodles la! Haiz, dun think becuz I'm helpless in cooking I can't do no nuffin man! I actuali helped distribute the ice in the cups and oggle at the doggie kz! Heavy duty hor! I also licked the spoon after i help Dan fill half her cup with milo powder sia! Was damn chocolaty, but I did it! Loolz...! I know I'm such an idiot! Hehehe... Laur said so too, but man, it was fun!

Played badmiton there too... Or should I say TRIED playing... I keep missin da blardi cork! Wha, I was jumpin like crazy and laur juz laughed! I totally declare that laur's house is not ideal for bad! Cork kena drain so many times and poor Claire had to climb in, and Glean keep hiting the cork so low! Well, least that guy can actuli play bad! Haha... shall get Dan after O's!

Blue moon...! All alone in the moonlight...! Not a....

Jee... I so need ta quit singin too much in the toilet! I take 4eva in there! And No no...! I'm not takin on any more loads!!! I dun wana care what you say! I wana say and do what I want! And you are not to say a thing! Don't question what I do! I do what I do for a reason! The more I know the less I wana know...! It's getting too dense and murky at this point of time...!

Don't tell me about Dan and Lex, Dun tell me about Ron and her probs, Dun tell me about Sam and Dee, Juz tell me about! ... Me... Me wana huggy, me wana wing ta take comfort in... I need a distraction, I need a smile, I need some laughter and some songs... I heard laughter is the best medicine... It is, but finding laughter is not easy either... Work is just piling, sleep is inadequate, spirits are low and everyone's sloggin...

Here I come puttin on me big smile... acting tough when I want to... creating so many different facades... I'm only open to certain people, pouring and letting out stuff that I need to... Its not healthy to keep to many things inside, So I let out anything I think it's fine to let out... Which is pretty little but still something!

Came home at nine today coz Nk ask me to stay back with her and Dan in school… Was determined to blog since this morn… It was way off the limit! So need to let off some steam here…!

Came to school and plonked myself on my chair and faced Xin as Pepper was sitting on me place… So I took out my vocab book to fill in the remaining blanks from Pepper’s book… Ron was doing her compo due today beside Xin… Then someone started about Spore idols… Stupid topic but hell, they went on with it… Till Ron said Chris Mich Lee sucks so I shouted I totally agree! Not that he’s singin is very bad but still, dun really kinda like him… Anyway, that’s not the point… Ron then gave a comment on EZ saying the reason he didn’t join Spore idol was that he was giving others a chance… Yea, haha, egoistic ain’t he?! And she was saying that even he could beat Chris… And yet again, I had to open my mouth and disagree! I should have just said things she wanted to hear man… So she barked back saying, If you want to diss him, then why don’t you just brake up with him… Keeping my cool, I tried to reason it out… Well, he disses me in front of me as well, I replied politely… And yes she wants to make me look bad, So! Since you hate each other so much then break la! With that, I remained silent in pity for her…

Zmus just love hot guys, especially Nick and Aaron, my two supermodel friends… True, they are utterly cute and sweet but that doesn’t mean I’m head over heels for them… Whenever any of my friends ask about them, Ron will tell us to shut the fuck up coz we’re just living in a fantasy world… Pepper was saying she was just jealous coz all the guy friends Ron ever has are assholes and completely hideous! C’mon, looking at such a person, I don’t even wana begin to comprehend her… The more I know, the more I wish I don’t wana know! She bitches about her good friends when I’ve seen them always being there for her… She even called her best friend such mean stuff and tells me to break up with him when I’m only teasing… One of the reasons why she doesn’t want EZ and me to be together is becoz she’s afraid I will tell him stuff about her! Now, I thought EZ was her best friend, and worse still, that thought is so selfish!

Hmm… I know her life is pretty much screwed up just because she is so blind and always make the decisions which temporary pleasures her… I know she has wasted a lot of tears that is so ridiculously lost! And you know what, I’m gonna make it worse! I’ve tried… I’ve been there for her and let her use me… Still, I stood firm trying to support her… But somehow, I don’t think it’s working much! So, I’m gonna play fire with fire! If the gal takes it, I hope she breaks down and sees her own reflection in her tears! If not, by some hopeful miracle, she learns to fight back and prove not only to me and everyone else, but to herself as well, that she is able to make it… I’ll just do what I do best… And I’ll snicker at her reactions…

Did a pretty compo… Everyone said it was great…! Though, there was a handful that said it was explicit… But hey, what’s a good compo without content!

Sunday… It’s suppose to be a Sabbath day… Man, I’m so sorry I’ve not been conversin much with ya Big Guy… I feel bad for that… I’ll make it up to you, I promise… I guess you’ve been watchin me in silence, I wonder what you have to say to me with all these stuff goin on… And I’ll write the sat thing some other day too, there’s too much to write…

Hmm… Pepper will be leaving soon… I will miss her; I had a lot of great times with her… And who’s gonna control Ron and Zmus now?! I’ll probably not survive with those two jokers around with no practical dude eh Pepper? Haha… Promise to keep in touch yea gal? And tell me about the cute doggies there!

Great… I gotta stop staying out so often and do some work! I think I’m gonna try and avoid Zachie sweetie for sometime… Well, least I’ve still got my msn and my darlins ta keep me company! I think I’ll die without the net now that my phone’s gone… I’ll miss my dearest so…! I mean I can call most of my frens even Zach though it’s a little tough, but it’s still at least, possible… Eek… I know I can be a real great flirt which makes it impossible to tell who I like but I’m so used to it sometimes it’s in my personality… But ofcoz, I do have it under control whenever I need it to be… I guess I hardly ever reveal who I like coz it creates a sort of vulnerability… It’s almost crazy but people I like are almost the most impossible ones I never thought of liking… So I put up false front once in a while by hating, pissing or teasing… Crap… I think I’ve yapped too much… Cazeclozed.

Blog?! Haha... Ok... So many things have happen since the last I've blog... I even wrote a blog especially on paper coz yea, it was on the spur of the moment and situation at hand when I wrote it, I'll post it another day, but ont the day in which I wrote it on paper...

School sucks, so stress... And Ron is juz being a bitch! She has the nerve to bitch about my frens infront of me and tell me I'm not her friend when I was there listenin to her crap about all my other friends! Even ster was so pissed! I don't blame her... Its just that my tolerance level is real high... I'm so use to it... Dat gal beta wake up and smell the coffee! She doesnt own the world, no one is perfect and certainly, not she!

So big news, I got a boy fren... So wat?! He's my boi right?! Why is she tellin the whole entire world for me?! So what if he's your best friend?! The way she treats him, I pity him so much... But it's hard to break smth that was built up over the years... She called me to tell me her bf went IN after dinner... I hope it'll do her some good!

Guys... They are juz real hard to deal with... I know I have a phrase, which I often use, "All Guys Are Jerks!" Fine so, there might be an exception for a few, which are mainly my friends... I think I have a knack of choosing good friends... I look at stories about guys whom my frens have been out with, Jerks are juz overruling man… Guys are just easier to converse with in my case, so they make exceptionally good frens though… Well, gals or guys, as long as he/she is worthy of being called a friend, I’ll do anything in my power for him/her.